As a first time mom, I recall second-guessing every decision I made. I blindly put my faith in doctors and pediatricians, family and fellow first-time moms, hoping that whatever they recommended was in mine and my baby’s best interests; hoping that they were right. There were numerous times where I went against my instincts, blaming some kind of postpartum anxiety when a decision I was making didn’t feel quite right. Then, one day, it dawned on me – no one has all the answers. It’s why we’re all unique, we were all raised slightly different from one another. Our parents did the best they can and now it’s up to us. Which brings me to this week’s affirmation. 

This week’s mama affirmation: “I am overcoming my doubts and trusting my mom instincts.”

Breastfeeding is hard. My breastfeeding journey was nothing short of difficult and stressful. I always pictured myself as a mom, and while I pictured my postpartum experience to be sleepless and a major adjustment, I still always pictured myself on a big, cozy rocking chair with my baby nestled close breastfeeding away. I imagined being able to go anywhere I needed to at the drop of a hat, knowing that I had all the nourishment she needed. 

That wasn’t the case.

I knew something was wrong the first time we tried to get her to latch. I chalked it up to being a first time mom; I don’t know what a latch and successful feed is supposed to feel like. Yet here I was, legs still spread apart being stitched up with nurses shoving every pillow they could find on each side of me and contorting me and the baby into different positions trying to get her to latch. When it CLEARLY wasn’t working, they finished what they needed and moved me into the recovery unit where I spent the next two and a half days wondering what I was doing wrong. I didn’t have the feeling of fullness everyone who breastfeeds describes and my baby was always hungry and crying at the breast. Something was wrong. They blamed it on my large chest. They told me that maybe I was inverted. They told me I just wasn’t using the nipple shield that my baby ripped off every two seconds properly. Something was wrong that was out of my control, but they blamed me. 

I should have listened to my gut.

Fast forward to Friday, four days after my baby was born and we had a lactation consultant come to our house. She told my husband, while I was upstairs getting acquainted with my new BFF, my breast pump, that we should have her evaluated by a pediatric dentist for a tongue tie. Come Tuesday we brought her in and sure enough she had a category 4 (the worst you could have) lip tie and a category 3 tongue tie, both of which needed to be released. He was shocked that the hospital never even checked for either. 

The signs were all there.

I think back to our time in the hospital a lot. All the unsuccessful feeds. All the crazy nursing positions that just angered my baby and made me cry when each one inevitably failed. I think of my husband asking the pediatrician that came to evaluate the baby about the “gap in her gums”, knowing now it is a tell-tale sign of a lip tie that they never bothered to mention. While I understand it is not everyone’s goal to breastfeed, it was mine. I often think about how our journey would have been different if someone would have caught it right away, if I would have advocated better for myself and for my baby. 

Making the decision to quit.

After what felt like forever, but was really only four and a half months, we stopped breastfeeding. Between my milk never fully coming in, the stresses of combo feeding and pumping, and the endless string of health concerns for both me and my baby, my mental health was in the toilet. While I struggled with the decision to quit for weeks on end, knowing it was what was best for everyone involved, but not wanting to give up that special connection, I decided it was time for our journey to come to an end. We would be introducing solids soon and the pressure of having three different forms of eating seemed impossible. As sad as it made me, I knew in my gut it was the best decision I could make for myself and my baby. A happy momma is what’s best for a happy baby, no matter how they’re fed.