As we move into week 2 of weekly affirmations for moms, I approach this post with hesitance and I can’t help but reflect on why. The affirmation is simple, but it brings up so many emotions for me. My first few months of motherhood were nothing like I imagined and I spent so many days in tears, feeling overwhelmed, like I was less than, feeling like a failure. I had so many people around me telling me how they couldn’t believe I was holding it together so well and how it seemed like it was all coming so naturally to me given the struggles I was facing. Yet deep down I knew they were wrong. They were only seeing what I wanted them to see. I think I get emotional as I write this because not only does it bring back all of those tough memories that I’ve worked so hard to move through, but it is something that I am still working to convince myself of each and every day.
This week’s mama affirmation: “I am strong”
When I thought about becoming a mom and bringing my baby home from the hospital it was magical. I would have a wonderful breastfeeding journey and spend all day snuggling my precious girl and watching her grow. Well, that’s not what happened.
It started at the hospital.
I knew something was wrong. She was losing what seemed like a lot of weight and crying every time I tried to get her to latch. We could never get in a comfortable position and get a good rhythm going. The nurses told me it was fine, they just don’t eat that much the first few days and as a first time mom, I listened. We were then discharged on a Wednesday and took her to her first pediatrician appointment the following day and her weight was down 12% below birth weight; something was wrong and we needed to supplement with formula. I cried the whole way home and then some. We met with a lactation consultant on Friday who taught me how to use a pump and some new feeding positions; she also caught my daughter’s tongue and lip tie. We immediately called a pediatric dentist and made an appointment. After days of struggling to feed and pump, Monday night came; night one in the Emergency Room.
Did you know one of the most common surgeries after childbirth is gallbladder removal?
I discovered this fun fact after my first night in the ER. At just one week postpartum, I arrived at the same hospital I had just left 5 days prior at about 5:30PM. I was taken back to a room 2 hours later and after a bunch of tests and imaging left at around 2AM with a bunch of prescriptions and the name of the hospital surgeon. I keep the memory light, but I don’t think I will ever erase the fear that went through me before we decided to leave for the hospital. The pain in my stomach was so extreme and I was terrified that I was having some kind of postpartum complication that was going to leave my brand new baby without her momma. Looking back it seems dramatic, but I feel like any postpartum mom will understand that fear. After about a cumulative total of 3 hours of sleep, my husband and I rolled out of bed to take my daughter to her pediatric dentist appointment; it was her turn to see a doctor. Turned out she had a stage 4 (the most severe) lip tie and a stage 3 tongue tie, causing her to have issues with latching.
Stress ruined me.
Between the baby blues, the feeding issues, the night in the ER and my daughter’s tongue and lip tie post-op exercises, I was stressed beyond belief. It had only been a week and I felt like I was getting slapped in the face no matter which direction I turned. My body, mind, and soul were exhausted. Needless to say, my milk supply just never came in. I was pumping maybe an ounce each session and supplementing constantly with formula. Week 2 went by in a blur and by the time I reached the following Monday (2 weeks postpartum) I was hit with another gallstone flare-up. This time I had my medications to help me and somehow survived the night. I met with a surgeon the next day who scheduled my surgery a month out. Joke was on him because by Friday I was back in the ER because, irony of all ironies, I was yellow. Yes, I was jaundiced, not my baby and had my gallbladder removed the following day. By the time I reached 3 weeks postpartum I had spent 7 of them in the hospital.
Being strong was never an option.
In the days that came post-op, we were in and out of the pediatrician for severe eczema on my daughter’s face, oral thrush, weight checks until she reached birth weight; it was never ending. Being strong was never an option; it was purely a survival mechanism. However, as I reach the end of year one, I am taking ownership of the affirmation “I am strong”. While at the time being strong was the only way to make it through, now it’s convincing myself that it wasn’t just adrenaline or a mask, but that I am in fact a strong mama who can face obstacles head on. A strong mama who can take a stressful moment and make the best decisions for her daughter. A strong mama who can advocate for herself and her family. Remember, you are strong too, mama.