I’m convinced that sleep is one of the most googled topics among moms. I’m truly not sure there’s not a mom out there who at some point on a particularly hard night hasn’t googled something along the lines of “how do I get my __ month old to sleep?” Or “Why isn’t my baby sleeping?”. I’m on kiddo number two so while I may not be a total expert, I do have some experience to draw from because my kiddos have not been the same at all in the sleep department. This second one in particular has given me a run for my money in regards to sleep and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I know now that I didn’t know as a new mom and what I wish I’d understood early on.
1. Sleep is NOT Linear
This is probably the number one thing I wish I’d understood going into motherhood. Everyone knows or hears about how hard newborn days/nights are with baby waking up frequently to eat. But I feel like the narrative is that it’s really hard when they’re newborns and then they start to sleep longer and longer until they sleep through the night and then you’re good to go! And this just isn’t true. For some babies it might be and hats off to you mamas. But I’d say for the majority of babies, sleep doesn’t go in this nice neat line. They’re waking up a bunch, then one night they sleep 6 hours in a row then they don’t do that for weeks and then they sleep in big chunks for a month and then BAM! they’re back to frequent wakes (hello 4 month regression!). You get them back on track and boom they get a tooth and backtrack angain and so on and so forth. Having an expectation that sleep may not go straight from hourly wakes to sleeping through the night is important. When those setbacks happen they won’t feel as frustrating.
2. Avoid Absolutes
As moms it can be tempting to make absolute statements about how we’re going to parent, including in the area of sleep. Things like, I’ll never cosleep or I’ll definitely keep baby in our room a full year. People say things like I’ll definitely sleep train at X months or my baby will absolutely sleep in their crib and only their crib. You see what I mean. Statements that leave no room for change or flexibility. And when these statements don’t work out we feel frustrated. We have a baby that is so noisy we need to move them to their own room early. Or a baby that is struggling with separation anxiety and safe cosleeping is the only thing that gets everyone some rest. You were adamant about crib sleep but baby only wants to contact nap. By being more open handed with our expectations and desires for sleep we can feel more successful and confident in our sleep journey.
3. My Baby’s Sleep is Not a Reflection of How “Good” of a Mom I Am
Gosh it feels like there is so much comparison and judgement surrounding baby sleep. Some of this is between moms, some of it is generational (everyone has a relative that just can’t believe your baby is STILL not sleeping through the night right?) and some of it is placed on ourselves by our own minds. I know it is so hard when you hear about your friend’s 4 month old sleeping through the night when your 11 month old wakes twice every night. Or you and your sister both have toddlers. Hers goes to bed with a story and a kiss and yours needs you to lay with them until they fall asleep. It can feel like something YOU are doing (or not doing) is failing your child but that just isn’t true. All babies and kids are different. They have different temperaments. They are going to need different things and are going to develop and hit milestones at different times. You’re a great mom when sleep is going well and you’re still a great mom when you need a third cup of coffee because the baby was up 5 times last night.