Navigating adult friendships, especially as busy moms, can be incredibly daunting. You have to manage work, school, naps, snacks, endless colds, budgets, and more just on your end; to find time that is convenient for another person to meet up or talk on the phone, it’s nearly impossible!
And that doesn’t take into consideration the harder stuff. Differences in politics, religion, parenting style, and lifestyle choices can sometimes drive wedges into friendships, and any negative feelings can be exacerbated by hormones, exhaustion, overwhelm, and mental health struggles that are all too common in the lives of parents. It’s honestly amazing that any of us have any sort of village at all, when you think about it!
So if you’ve ever second-guessed your friendships, or if you’ve felt left out, excluded, forgotten, or abandoned as an adult, you’re not the only one. That paranoia can seep into even the deepest and longest relationships.
Are there ways to fight those feelings and maintain positive, healthy friendships? Absolutely!
Fight for Your Friendships
“Does everyone hate me?” is an example of negative self-talk. It tears us down from the inside out, telling us we aren’t good enough. Make the effort to push back against this self-talk and replace it with something more positive. To fight against those ideas and feelings, try these coping techniques:
Reframe.
- If you do, in fact, have friends to talk to and hang out with, remind yourself that they want to be around you. They want to be your friend. Also, remind yourself of your good qualities.
- If you it’s hard to get together with buddies and question if they are avoiding you, remind yourself that everyone has their boundaries and limitations and that’s okay. Maybe your friend is in a busy season at work. Maybe she moved far away and can’t meet in person anymore. Maybe she’s busy with a new baby or has a special needs child. Give your pal grace, and then, take initiative. Ask if you can meet your friend for coffee by her work. Schedule a Facetime call. Offer to bring lunch to her home so she doesn’t have to get ready to go anywhere. In reality, she might be struggling just as much as you are.
Communicate.
- As noted above, your friend might be having her own issues that have prevented her from being close with you. This is where communication comes in. Ask how she is and let her know you want to be there for her. Offer to help if you can.
- If you are feeling lonely, communicate that. Let your friends know that you miss them. They cannot read your mind – you have to tell them. From there, ask to make plans more regularly.
- If you suspect that there is a rift in a friendship or that you’ve been excluded for some reason, be brave enough to ask. It can be scary, but knowing is better than festering in uncertaninty. Hopefully, any hurt feelings can be mended. If not, at least you can grieve and move on to more fulfilling relationships.
- If things change in your life, like going back to school or having another baby, communicate that to your friends. As previously mentioned, they can’t be expected to know everything without you telling them. Communicate changes in your life and ask for their support. In turn, encourage them to share their lives with you and be willing to support them in their endeavors.
Reach out.
- Join a group of like-minded individuals. Maybe it’s a mom’s walking group or an early morning yoga class – it really doesn’t matter. Open yourself up to new friendships.
- Talk to a therapist and ask about the possible need for medication. If you have a diagnosable mental health disorder, medicine and a licensed professional can make a big difference.
Friendships are Worth Fighting For
As moms, we need each other. We thrive with a village, not only for support in times of need but also for a valuable sense of camaraderie, unity, and understanding. Whether you have one friend, no friends, or a group of friends, do your part to build a positive community around you and your loved ones.
Remember, negative self-talk is not necessarily based in truth. Wondermind, the mental health and wellness website founded by Selena Gomez and her mother Mandy Teefey, recently published an article on this topic that says:
“Anxiety isn’t logical—it doesn’t always need a reason to feed you off-the-wall messages that people hate you,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Same goes for depression, except it prefers to cloud your perception with feelings of unworthiness (I’m not good enough) and defectiveness (something is wrong with me).
The truth is that you are worthy of friendships. Work on yourself, learn how to be a good friend, act with kindness, and serve others. Friends will come your way, if they aren’t already surrounding you. Be open to their love and don’t let the negative self-talk overpower the goodness right in front of you.