You don’t have to scroll far on parenting Instagram accounts to realize that we all have wildly different ideas about how to raise kids. From screen time to sleepovers, eating to education, we all have different guidelines and rules that we hope will help our children grow up well.

Unfortunately, we often respond to these differences in anger and judgment, causing waves of hatred, intolerance, bitterness, and frustration to impact our kids, our communities, and ourselves. In reality, there are no two families that are exactly alike. We will always find things to fight about if that is what we are looking for. We need to find ways to coexist and interact peacefully both for our own sanity and the well-being of our kids. We are their examples, after all, and we need to demonstrate kindness and compassion if we want them to develop those qualities.

How do we go about achieving this lofty goal? American author Margaret J. Wheatley once said, “Without aggression, it becomes possible to think well, to be curious about differences, and to enjoy each other’s company. Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose.”

Let’s learn from Ms. Wheatley and get “curious about differences.” 

Below are a list of questions you can start asking other parents in your circle, especially those with whom your children interact. It will help you learn open-mindedness, give you opportunities to be a more attentive and thoughtful friend, and allow you to make more informed decisions about how you want to raise your child.

Let’s Get Curious

When asking these questions, feel free to also share your opinion and perspective after intentionally and actively listening to the other person. And remember to show the same respect you’d want in return.

1. What is your family’s policy on sleepovers, babysitters, and playdates?
2. Our area seems to have a lot of kids in public, private, and home schools. What do you think about schooling options? 
3. Do you manage screen time at your house? How so?
4. Do your kids have any allergies or dietary restrictions I should know about when they are over at my house?
5. My kids are interested in such a variety of songs, books, shows, and movies! Do you monitor what media your kids consume?
6. When one of your kids is invited to a party and the other isn’t, how do you handle that situation?
7. We want our kids to be healthy and also having good relationships with food. What is your thought process behind choosing foods and snacks for your family?
8. Does your family have any special holiday traditions or customs that are important to you?
9. How do you feel about your children’s pictures on social media?
10. Can you tell me about a moment with your child that made you proud or taught a life lesson?

You may need to tweak these questions to be more relevant to you and your community, but they should get you started in having important, respectful conversations. Interactions can also move forward with greater respect and care as you learn more about people. For example, if you know your friend’s child has a strawberry allergy, you can make sure you have other fruit available during a playdate. This thoughtfulness will mean so much to the other parent!

Boundaries are Good, Too

Of course, just because you can respectfully interact with someone doesn’t mean you have to like, accept, or condone their choices. If, in your kind conversations, you worry about potential negativity or unsafe spaces for your child, you can create and hold boundaries. For example, if you don’t allow sleepovers but your friend does, you can maintain your rule. If you believe in the efficacy of vaccinations but a family member does not, you can avoid interactions during peak germ seasons. You get the idea.

You are ultimately in charge of keeping your child safe, healthy, and happy, and if you know another adult cannot help you in those goals, then do not feel bad for holding your boundaries. At the same time, you will come to realize that others with differing opinions may have a boundary with you. That’s okay – while you may have to limit certain interactions, you can maintain civility and basic levels of respect while moving on your own parenting goals.

Never Accept Abuse

Being curious about differences might mean you learn some unpleasant things about others. Most of this article has been focused on learning about other parents and families with sincere kindness and using those conversations to guide your own actions as a parent. 

There are always exceptions, of course.

If you ever identify malnourishment, mistreatment, beating, sexual abuse, neglect, or any other criminal and inhumane behavior towards a child (yours or not), you should act. You should do what you can to help the child and get the appropriate authorities involved. We should never simply mind our own business when it comes to abuse. In fact, many states consider all adults ot be legal mandatory reporters, meaning it is your responsibility to report abuse if you know about it, and you could be charged if you know about abuse and choose not to report it.

You’ll Find What You Want

Aside from situations of abuse, your efforts to get “curious about differences” will yield whatever fruits you first sow. If you look for common ground and similarities, you will find them, even in people who seem different than you at first. If you look for differences and excuses to judge others, you will find that, too. Make sure your intentions are pure as you work on this exercise. If you approach others with genuine interest, you’ll likely find a lot of commonality, even if it’s as simple as an innate desire to keep children happy and healthy.

Hopefully, a little curiosity will go a long way in making your society and more peaceful and tolerant place.