We know the ups and downs of kids’ emotions. There are moments of gleeful giggles, unexplained fear, violent tantrums, and breakdown tears, and even sassy drama.

As parents, it’s our job to help kids identify and process their emotions in healthy ways. We have to teach them how to communicate what they are feeling and cope with it in a manner that is constructive, not destructive. We have to provide this information and practice in age-appropriate ways. And, we have to do it all patience and understanding.

But that’s a tall order for parents who are already stressed and sleep-deprived. Many of us weren’t given the social-emotional toolkit to do this, and now we are in the throes of parenthood with little kids who have big emotions. How can we even begin to tackle this?

The Importance of Validation

This is a large, heavy, deep topic, but there is one thing you can start implementing into your parenting approach to better help your kids with their feelings: validation. Validating their emotions can go a long way in building a secure attachment and understanding the complexities of being human.

Validating feelings may seem difficult. You may not want to validate your child’s anger as he or she throws a fit at the store, or you may feel exasperated hearing their whines for the millionth time. But, you see, you are having big feelings in those moments, too! And if you want to feel validated, then so do your children. You may need to practice validation for yourself and your kiddos, but as you do, you may find it to be incredibly bonding.

Real-Life Scenarios

This article wouldn’t be very helpful if it didn’t provide take-aways and action items you could use in real life. Here are a few examples – remember to take them, tweak them, and apply them to your family situation as needed.

Tantrums

If your children throw fits when going to some place like school, the doctor’s office, or the dentist’s office, talk to them about the reason behind their tantrums. Many fits are rooted in fear. Kids might fear pain (like getting shots) at the doctor or the dentist, and they may fear the unknown (new kids, new teachers, unfamiliar settings and rules) at school. Understanding the reason behind the negative behavior is key.

From there, remind your child that being scared is okay (this is the validation part). Doctors, dentists, and teachers want to help us, but there can be scary things about them. Let your child know that tears are not bad, but screaming, kicking, and other such actions are not tolerated. Find ways to help your child feel more comfortable, like bringing a special animal, getting a sticker for being brave, etc.

Crying/Whining

Crying and whining can be caused by all kinds of emotions. They could be scared, overly tired, hungry, sick, nervous, shy, etc. If you notice a pattern in your child being particularly whiny at certain times, help your child identify that pattern and find solutions. This might look like getting a small snack an hour before dinner or having quiet time in their room before bed.

When your child is inconsolable, try simply holding him or her. That physical connection let’s their body know they are safe and loved. Verbally remind your child – without yelling – that you want to help him or her, but you cannot hear what is needed until they calm down. Repeat that until the crying subsides and you can better understand the problem and find a solution.

Hyperactivity

Hyperactivity can become a behavior problem when you are trying to get things done, get kids to bed, etc. If your children are running around like crazy, it might be time to give them a little one-on-one attention.

Consider holding them – again, that physical contact is important. Physically slow them down. Then, ask them why they are being so wild. They may simply want your undivided attention to show you a new skill or tell a story. Being willing to put aside chores or other tasks for a moment may be just the thing to distract them from bouncing off the walls. Once they are calm, remind them that running around is fun, but not always appropriate (i.e. at bedtime or in a space where they might get hurt).

Just Keep Trying

Are you still a little unsure about this topic? That’s okay. It’s a doozy.

In reality, you just have to keep trying. You may blow up, you may cry, you may be exasperated, but each time you express love to your child, apologize for a mistake, and talk your child through a difficult situation, you are being a great example to them. Keep it up, and give grace to yourself and your kids. You are learning together.

If you need more resources, check out Big Little Feelings on Instagram – they share fantastic information on a variety of topics!