Think back to before you had kids…you and your partner, although you thought you were always busy, had the time to go on spontaneous date nights. You enjoyed conversations long into the night or on a lazy Saturday morning over hot coffee and brunch. You relished in each other’s company and were perfectly happy to just be alone together. Now children have entered the picture and that dynamic has likely changed. Now it’s calculating how early you need to go to bed to make up for the middle of the night wakes. It’s cold coffee as you break up sibling squabbles and change diapers. Date nights might be more out back and less Outback. This is a normal and natural change as you move from a couple to a family. It comes with so many joys and blessings as you raise these tiny humans together.
But in the midst of it all, let’s not forget that Husband and Wife is just as important a dynamic as Mom and D ad. Maintaining a strong, loving relationship is just as important as raising this family. It’s the foundation. Without the two of you, there wouldn’t be a family. Take time to think about ways you can nurture your relationship even in the midst of the chaos that comes with having babies.
Prioritize Time Together
When you’re juggling kids, work, and daily chores, it can feel impossible to find time for each other. You start to feel like ships passing in the night. That is so common when you’re parenting small children and can be a normal part of this new chapter but it can also quickly become something that leads to disconnect and resentment. This is when carving out quality time together is essential. Schedule regular date nights, even if they’re at home after the kids go to bed. Get a blanket and snuggle on the back porch. Crawl into bed and read a book together. Share that desert your kids don’t like after Hours. Those small intentional moments together can make sure a difference. And no, nightly Netflix and Chill is not a date!
If even little micro dates aren’t possible right now, find other ways to stay connected. Simple things like holding hands during a walk, sitting together during your morning coffee, or taking five minutes to check in with each other before bed can make a big difference in feeling like star-crossed lovers verses roommates.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
When life gets busy, we tend to stop communicating beyond the basic information. We are parents share more about our kids meal time behavior and bowl movements than we do about anything deep or important. It’s crucial to keep the lines of communication open with your partner. It aids in connection and keeps anyone from become resentful over a miscommunication or an un-communicated desire or need. Take the time to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling—whether you’re frustrated, exhausted, or even joyful. Sharing your emotions helps you stay connected and gives your partner the chance to support you. Take those five minute before bed checks in and spend them talking about how you felt that day.
If you find your partner is hard to crack open, ask them simple questions and then answer the same questions. What was your favorite part? What are you struggling with? How can I show you how much I love you? Not only will these questions help you get some info and insight, but they will make your partner feel like you really care and want to connect with them. I promise, keeping this connection strong is important!
I you had a disagreement that day, take the time to clear the air. Don’t try to get them to understand your side as this will likely lead to more of an argument. Remember that the goal right now is to be happy and connected, not to prove you were right. Take ownership of how the conversation went. A simple “I really reacted poorly earlier. I could have done better.” is a way to hold your positions but also admit your shortcomings. End the day feeling connected and in love, not at odds with your partner.