We’ve all heard of gentle parenting. Some people think it’s just a millennial trend, a PC buzzword, or an excuse to be a lazy parent. But it’s actually a simple parenting style that helps kids learn awareness, responsibility, and confidence.

We all just want our kids to be happy and healthy right? No matter what type of parenting you gravitate towards, happiness and health are the goals.

With that in mind, you might consider learning just a little bit more about gentle parenting and ways you can easily implement it with your own kids (no matter their age)! In fact, you might find out you’ve been a bit of a gentle parent all along!

What is Gentle Parenting?

This except from the Cleveland Clinic website sums up the gist of gentle parenting.

The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries. This parenting style focuses largely on age-appropriate development.

Traditional parenting styles focus on punishment and reward. When your child does something good or shows good behavior, you reward them with fun activities, treats and positive feedback. If your child does something bad, though, they might get put in timeout, for example, or you might spank them (a decision doctors say you shouldn’t do).

Instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving a child’s self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior.

By all means, many of are still using rewards and punishments in the forms of sticker charts, time outs, etc. But we gentle parents also want to improve that self-awareness aspect, helping kids learn to make good decisions because they want to and it’s the right thing to do. We don’t always want candy or fear of mom’s wrath to be the motivator. We build better attachments and long-term relationships that way.

Easy Ways to Be a Gentle Parent

Here is a list of a few simple ways you can make your parenting more gentle.

• Instead of saying “you’re fine,” get to the root of the problem. Ask your child what is wrong and talk through the situation. Maybe your child is scared, hurt, tired, frustrated, angry, or confused. Some parents use phrases like “you’re fine” and “you’ll be okay” as a means of providing comfort and security, but sometimes those words are dismissive. Make sure you validate your child’s feelings and help him or her solve that problem.
• Instead of saying “that’s nice” when your child talks, ask more questions. We know your brain is full of doctor’s appointments, bills, schedules, and so much more, but taking a few minutes to have an intentional conversation with your kid can go a long way in teaching politeness, social cues, and active listening. For example, if your child says he played with blocks at preschool, your answer of “that’s nice” will likely end the conversation and dismiss his invitation to engage. Instead, ask who he played with or what he built – that shows that you are listening and care about his life.
• Instead of because of saying “because I’m the boss,” say “because I love you.” This one can be tricky, but it’s so important. Kids will always push back against boundaries – it’s a sign of them learning independence. Sometimes they push back often and hard, and it gets tiresome trying to explain over and over again why he or she can’t do something. When push comes to shove, remind them that you love and care for them and it’s your job to keep them safe and healthy. They may still try to get their way, of course, but instead of escalating the issue to a full-blown battle of wills, you will have snuffed out a bit of the argument with words of love.
• Instead of making up answers or looking for distractions, say “I don’t know.” As a society, we seem to get nervous or scared when someone asks us a question that we can’t easily answer. We don’t want to seem stupid or ignorant, thereby looking lesser in someone else’s eyes. This happens in parenting, too. But we should remember that our children love us, and not knowing everything will not hamper that love. Instead, we can use the opportunity to teach honesty and humility. The next time your child asks a question about why zebras have stripes instead of polka dots or what dinosaurs liked to do for fun, tell them you don’t know, but you’d love to help them look up those answers. It’s a great way to show interest in their lives, foster curiosity, and develop initiative.
• Instead of saying your child is being bad, say they are making a wrong choice. Here’s the thing: none of us are all good or all bad. That’s true for kids and adults. Using the word “bad” to label a child may do more damage to their psyche than you intend. Instead, define their specific behavior as bad and remind them that they are capable of making good choices. Your conversation might sound like this: “Sally, you chose to color on the walls, and that’s a bad behavior. You are a big girl who knows how to make good choices, like coloring only on paper. You are going to have to help mom clean the walls now, and then we will find a better place to color. Do you understand?” Once your child fixes the behavior, don’t continue reminding him or her of that initial bad choice; that could reinforce a negative cycle of acting out for attention.

Are You a Gentle Parent?

After reading this list, how do you feel?

Do you think you and your family could benefit from a little more gentleness in your day-to-day life? Maybe you already implement some of these practices and phrases in your parenting. We commend your efforts to improve your parenting in small and big ways!

Or, do you feel overwhelmed by the thought of gentle parenting? Do you feel guilty if you yell more than you want to, or if your home is hardly ever harmonious. Don’t fret – we understand and are not here to judge. Just know that you don’t have to buy every self-help book or gentle parenting course to make small, simple changes.

Instead, practice regulating your own emotions, prioritizing self-care, and seeing your children as individuals. Those tactics will help you change your own perceptions and let you gentle parent more effectively. From there, learn and grow as you can. Ask for help, read a few articles, and try different things.

Most importantly, let you child know he or she is loved. If you do that, you’re the best parent around!